My, my. Has it really been this long?

Dude, for real.  I seriously can't believe it's been this long since I last wrote something on xanga. It's kinda funny but I feel like the site's dead now.  Do you think it's possible to resurrect what's been gone for so long? Mmmm, probably not, but we shall try.  I'm not saying I'm here to stay, (ha, am I ever?) but what I am saying is that I'm gonna be like every other middle aged woman in North America - journaling my life out, or at least parts of it.

So, the golden question: What have I learned within the last year and a half?

Your heart can have revolutions. I don't mean those revolutions that are occuring all over the world, that are systematic and intentional (...really?). I'm talking about those revolutions that drop on you like a bomb, like a tsunami, the ones that're unexpected and not at all what you want. The explosions that leave you feeling flat, deflated.  Those moments that leave you gasping for breathe, or holding your breathe till you feel your blood pulse through your veins like an unending convulsion.

Instead of waiting patiently in line, expecting those revolutions that're planned - the ones you buy tickets for, wear coloured ribbons for, chant for, you end up with a revolution no one would even have known existed. The silent type that sneaks into your room at night when no one's there. Those revolutions that plague you with hope until it's swiftly undercut by the drugged memories of unfulfilled "what if's" and, even worse, the disasterous tauntings of "but why's". What a box of chocolates! you'll say life is.  Maybe not that sweet, actually.  Quite possibly not a box of chocolates at all.  In fact, you may find yourself stuck in the middle of a bright room scattered with razor-sharp candy coloured glass.  Candy? How wonderful! Now, remember boys and girls, chew 10 times before swallowing. No cheating! Imagine, a room full of shiny glass as far as the eye can see. Not hurting you, not begging to puncture the soft skin under your feet. Wouldn't harm a fly, really. Unless, of course, it landed on it. Then, POP! goes the weasle. The poor thing, unable to get up, unable to move, the sweat streaming from its back making its thin wings stick together. Imagine such a painful position for a meaningless fly, a stupid fly that means nothing, a stupid meaningless fly so easily disposed of and replaced with an even better fly. 

What's my point?  I guess I was that fly. I suppose I got a glimpse at how terrible my own choices are, how devistating the effects of my own decisions. I had to learn just how much I need the Lord and require His continuous shepherding and leading. He's never forsaken me or forgotten me, even though I was a stupid frail fly easily squashed by a hurtful look, a harsh word. My experience is fly-size - I hope you didn't expect great things! No perfection here. Nope. Just simple calling and breathing.

~~

Honestly though, I'm kinda jazzed about xanga again - it'll be nice to have an outlet that no one bothers to check up on anymore. Scary. Let's hope things don't get out of control, haha.

Remaining Fruit

I had a dream about two weeks ago that I can't seem to shake off.  I can't say the details stood out to me or that something absolutely remarkable happened, making me remember it as a result.  Instead, it was the intense feelings I had while dreaming that I couldn't stop thinking about. 

I was in my old high school cafeteria and it was filled to capacity with young people who were yelling, screaming and whispering about the same topic -- FOOD.  we were all so hungry and anticipating the menu selection we were about to receive at the end of a very long line.

I got in line and it felt like i was waiting there for about 45 minutes.  I looked around and i didn't see anyone i recognized or knew at any point in my life, but they all seemed pleasant enough.  I laughed with some of the people around me and kept waiting in line.

I finally got to the cashier and it was a sister i used to serve high schoolers with.  I asked her what was on the menu and she gave me a list of really delicious sounding items.  You could get anything you wanted, from ice cream to pasta.  And if it wasn't on the menu, they would make it for you right there.  Sounded perfect to me.  I decided that i would get a grilled chicken burger with french fries and a shake.  She told me to pay there and then directed me to a room you could pick your food up in. 

So i paid and proceeded to a small room to get my food. 

I remember feeling so starved and absolutely excited at FINALLY getting something to eat.  When i got into the small serving room, i looked around and it was totally empty.  All the people who were lined up to get something to eat weren't in there.  instead, i stood by myself in this room that didn't have the smell of anything edible.

I picked up a tray and found some napkins beside it, but there weren't any plates or eating utensils.  I remember wondering how i was to eat anything without a fork and thinking it absurd that I would have to use my hands to eat a meal that would be on a dirty green tray.

I walked on and called out "hello".  Out came one of my old serving ones.  I was so excited to see him because it's been years but our reactions didn't match.  Instead, his face looked a little happy and a bit reserved, with eyes that told me that he felt betrayed and angry.  I told him i came to get something to eat and he quickly called out for a young boy to come out, and then scurried into a small, empty stock room.

Well, out came this young kid that i knew by name but i wasn't well acquainted with.  Behind him were two younger boys, both of which he was teaching how to serve out meals.  I remember thinking, how is this kid supposed to give me any food to eat when he isn't mature enough to know what to do, or identify each dish.

I didn't argue though.  I looked up at the menu mounted on a wall and i told him my order.  to my surprise, he said that he didn't have it.  Alright, so i ordered something else.  He said that they didn't have that either.  Fine.  So i asked him to just give me whatever they had because i was starving and i needed something to eat.

He opened a square hot pan and pulled out a circular serving utensil and carelessly slapped a spoonful of food on my plate-less tray.  When i looked into the pan and on my tray, the food was absolutely rotten.

i looked at him, astonished.  what happened to the hundreds of people in the line? why was i by myself in this empty room and why were they serving me rotten food? questions he responded to with blank eyes. he no longer understood what i was saying because we no longer spoke the same language.

and then i woke up.

enough with the kicking and the scratching - He wore thorns.

complaints.

it's probably the one thing that we humans share as an experience and the one thing that may ironically unite us. someone did something we didn't like. someone said something we didn't appreciate. someone offended us. someone, someone, sometone, somethone, something. whatever it is. there is someonething that we can complain about at any given second, in any given day.

especially if you're a believer, you may know what it's like to murmur and argue with the Lord about why something isn't exactly going according the plan you've made for yourself, or even assumed He's created for you. we might find ourselves in an endless battle that spirals downward, questioning Him about His judgement and what He's ordered. Perhaps we even think that we could have done a better job ourselves, had we the resources at our disposal. later on, we could even come to the point of calling Him 'Unfair.'

want to hear the funny part about it? that would probably be the most accurate thing you could say in the entire universe.

God isn't fair. If He were fair, we'd all be going to hell.
the God we are joined to is a God of mercy.

so whatever the situation, whatever the person, whoever you are, be confident in one thing: the Father has selected us and is the Author of our life. He has designed all things to GAIN the parts of our heart that we so desperately cling to in an effort to understand what's going on in an ever changing world. He needs to gain our trust. He needs to gain our entire being, actually.

realize that it isn't only that He chose you out of billions of people, but that He chose you instead of billions of other people. probably even more 'qualified' people. it isn't that He chose you cus you were good looking, smart or a comedian. that was His choice. for what reason He chose me, i really can't say cus i really can't see why. all i do know is that i'm limited in speech to actually utter just how thankful i really am.

so, saints, whatever we go through, how much we carry on our plate, though the load may seem unfair, He is a God of mercy and He will continue to head us up. we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His unique purpose. all that happens in our life, and i mean EVERYTHING (from cleaning rat poo out from under your kitchen sink to finding out you have cancer) is there for us to gain Christ, to have more of His element wrought into our being.

it's easy for Him to make our lives perfect, but that life won't grant Him the counterpart He's been seeking throughout the ages.

God is good but we dont want a good life, we want Him.

do you remember when we used to sing?

it's hard to give up things that aren't there anymore. haha. you're probably wondering what on EARTH i'm talking about, especially since the thing that's being given up isn't even there to be given up. but, in a strange way, even though it isn't tangible, you've gotta let go of it.

i dont want to.

it has nothing to do with the quick fixes of childhood or the superficiality of high school. guys, it's so much deeper and harder than that. it's like a root that needs to be dug out and placed in a capsule to be remembered and treasured, and even mourned over, instead of embraced. it's a time you'll laugh over, cry over, and silently wish would go back to being 'just so'.

but, how do you keep yourself from going back? from wanting to cherish and cultivate something that isn't the thing you need. there are so many things, some good things and some bad things, but no thing can replace knowing and feeling the ominous presence that it will all end. it's gonna crash and tumble as you've never expected it to.

to deal with it, you can click, click, click your way through memories, through events, through moments in time that you
can't get to or
go back to. that you
couldn't go to and
weren't supposed to.
where did time all go? where has she disappeared to?

oh. haha. that's right. she moves and leaves us with a slimey trail of new experiences and new beginnings, like chapters in a book that make me..me. but why does it have to be so? maybe there really isn't a beginning and an end, a signing and conclusion, but one big paragraph! who cares if some sentences have to stop in order for new sentences to begin?  ...why can't it all just be one big run-on sentence? i wouldn't mind it. let all the names, events and memories melt into one: "A" for Angela Finnie, "B" for Brad Sweet, "C" for Summer School of Truth, "D" for laughing at Ian bite his nails, "E" for remembering how Jennifer taught Rans how to sing high pitch harmony, "5" for Mountaintop, "V" for the semi-annual trainings, "7" for Ganadaoweh, "U" for us. 

let them flow into each other, let words mix and mangle, eat and devour, until there isn't any sense in it at all because it's one big pourage of letters that have no beginning, middle or end.

but who would that confusion express? Purposelessness && Meaninglessness. not a good example of who you are. maybe i can pretend YOU dont exist and just pretend things are okay?  even just for a little while??  allow me to go back to my play-world where it's 'just so' (even if only for a little bit), hoping that, with time, things will heal and go back to being as they used to be.  thinking: oh, it's okay, we just happen to never bump shoulders, happen to never eat at the same table, happen to go separate ways.   MAYBE!!! it can even happen to happen to us ------> that things can go back to the way it was? the way we were?

maybe? sort of? kinda...??   shut up. they won't though. it won't though. it can't go back to being JUST SO.    "Then" is crippled; no legs that work with strength enough to move. "Then" is paralyzed, etherized, waiting for the world to shock it with venom and make it grow, slither and move in another direction, far away from the path that's set before you.

wonderful. (n.o.t.)

the tears will continue to fall, the laughter will continue to die down, dishes will break and the house will be closed. and there i'll stand: moments from realizing the reality of what's REALLY taken place and how much i've lost my place among the people i would once give up everything for.

~~
yes, cassia. i do remember when we used to sing.
and i loved it just so.
and i miss it just so.

I said TWO inches and they cut SEVEN.

People are morons.